The fool I use to be

“Straight up do you really want to love me forever oh oh oh” –J Cole

…But seriously, I’ve been debating if I wanted to touch on this subject, just because it’s been a big part of my life for basically 5 years. I’m not even sure how to condense 5 years into this short blog, but two special Queens in my life told me, once I’ve released myself from this situation, I’ll be free enough to write about it *takes deep breath*

For 5 plus years, I have been in a “situationship”, long time “talkin” phase, or whatever you want to call it. I can’t even tell you how this happened, but it literally took me this long to even realize I was in one.

Let me define this word for you. Basically, it’s a type of relationship where there is no commitment, but feelings are involved, along with some very empty promises. All the makings of a relationship is there, but it’s not official. For the most part it never will be official, and you’re definitely not this person’s main priority.

Starting off, this “situation” wasn’t anything serious to me. I just got out of a bad relationship and it was entertainment. After seeing what I thought was effort, it became more to me. After a while, nothing came out of this situation, so I had no intentions of seeing or ever hearing from this person again, until I did.

This person came in and out my life whenever he wanted to. Each time making me feel like one day we would end up together. I know a lot of people like to call this foolish, but as human beings, are we wrong for believing what someone you thought cared about you, says to be true? Ehh, maybe.

I’m sure everyone has been in some form of this though. Everyone has that “one” that you saw greatness with but it didn’t happen.  I’ve learned that people, I can’t even just say women, fall for the “courtship”, the “talking” phase. You become blinded by the potential of what could be, that you don’t even see the warning signs to GET OUT QUICK! I’ve learned that sometimes, the courtship is all they will ever be good at.

So now you have to make decisions for yourself, to stay with the heartache or leave with your self-worth. I see all the time how easy it is for people to cut off friends at the drop of a hat but dealing with the “one” it’s hard! You give chance after chance wanting something that in the back of your head you know will never happen.

For me, I was comfortable and afraid at the same time. I honestly made myself believe that he was what I deserved. It even got to the point that I thought, if I gave up I would end up alone and miss out on this chance to have someone, but really I was alone. I didn’t have someone taking me out on a regular, I didn’t have someone that cared about my well-being, I didn’t have someone that loved me, and I definitely didn’t have someone that I trusted to just be mine. I did, however have someone texting me all day, and for some reason, I was ok with that. Honestly, in my mind, I figured, he’s coming back for a reason so it’s meant to be.

You know the saying, “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” Well I was past shaming myself. I legit felt thrones where my crown use to be smh. It got to the point when this person did come back in my life I didn’t tell anyone; you would think that was a hint. It’s embarrassing to have to tell your friends, “guess who’s back!!” and then a week later you have to tell them ya’ll aren’t talking anymore, and it’s not because you finally left him.

So it was my fault, I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. I allowed someone chance after chance to use me. I was clearly just a space holder in his eyes until something he “thought” was better came along. I made it so easy for him, he didn’t have to do anything, he didn’t have to call, take me out, tell me the truth or anything and he knew he had me. He knew if he left for weeks, even months, he could always come back. As much I didn’t want to let go, I knew for the rest of my life I didn’t want to be forever waiting.

Now what? You’re hurting, deep, and you think it’s the end of the world. Well, let me tell you it’s not! You can’t lose something you never had, let go!

I get it, you’re at that place where you want to know how someone can use you that way. What was it that you did or showed them that you’re time isn’t precious and your feelings don’t matter? Well you’ll never know, who cares about closer? Forgive them and move on because holding onto it only hurts you. I promise, after a while you’ll start laughing at yourself for being that foolish, I know I do. There are other fish in the sea, honey. Use this as a lesson, and learn to be ok with being single until you find someone, or someone finds you and respects your worth and time.

I know for me, I used my pain to find this amazing, strong woman I never knew existed inside myself.  My pain turned into love for myself. So, do I thank him for that? Ha, NO! lol

Figure out what you like, love, and what you will and will not accept. Make room for what’s to come!

Remember, your happiness doesn’t come from anyone but yourself, and your worth is limitless!

Until next time cravers

-Monic